Tech Vibrations: The iPhone Sux!

First, let me NOT apologize to all my hipster friends. The iPhone sucks! Yeah, drink it in. Retina display, ha! Below are my top 10 reasons the iPhone could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.


10. It comes in one size.
9. Ya can't replace the battery.
8. No Google Maps.
7. It has fake multitasking.
6. It's made of fucking glass!
5. It doesn't support 4G speeds.
4. It's losing market share to Android and Blackberry like crazy.
3. Remember the antenna problem?  Turns out it wasn't At&t.
2. No Flash support.
1. It's so kitsch that now your Mom wants one.

There you have it.  Now, go exchange your iPhone for a Nexus S 4G.  

Happy Easter!

Oui, dat's a lotta chocolate!

How conversations go when people learn I am a web designer

Why yes I am a designer. Yeah it is pretty interesting. Oh... cool so you need someone to design a website for your collection of preserved turtles in jars. Oh... wow, yeah I bet it would make a great portfolio piece for whoever designed it. Uh huh, no no I get what you are trying to say. I would be honored to design and develop it for free but you see I am SUPER busy with work people are paying me to do. Oh sorry my weekends are booked and I can't come over to help you photograph your collection, also being a designer doesn't mean I am a photographer. No, making a turtle in a jar logo is not simple I mean... uh huh, what I am trying to say is logos are more complicated than people... what? uh huh... uh huh.. yeah okay... I know we are friends but... uh huh... Fine. Here.

Epic Solitaire

About six months ago I bought my wife, Amy, and I the Samsung Epic 4G Android smart phone to replace our aging Blackberries.  It was like upgrading from dial up service to a cable modem.  The sheer computing power of these phones was overwhelming.  Being a gadget geek, the Samsung Epic was a dream come true.  It combined all of the devices I was using for entertainment and social networking into one, beautiful design.

The Samsung Epic is the Lamborghini of Android phones.  It’s seemless black design with light up navigation keys and a slide-out QWERTY keyboard is a work of art.  Inside, the phone houses a blazing fast processor that is paired with a Super AMOLED touch screen to produce silky smooth graphics.  With the upgrade to Froyo, the Samsung Epic now supports Flash 10.1 (trumping the mighty iPhone 4).  The Samsung Epic 4G is essentially the ultimate gaming Android phone and it was a no-brainer in a crowded market.

Amy was also excited at the prospect of “keeping up with the Jonses.”  After all, our friends had been flashing their iPhones in our faces for years.  We were behind the times; technological lepers.  The Samsung Epic would push us into the next stratosphere of handheld gaming and social networking.  We were finally on the bleeding-edge of technology.  And, we weren’t mindless sheep flocking to an Apple Store.  

Yes, the first six months were sweet.  I downloaded more apps then what I had use for.  I participated in the Internet social cloud.  I started this blog.  The best of all: I played games; a lot of games.  The fact that I could play games with 3D graphics on my phone blew my mind.  AirAttack HD is a long way from BrickBreaker.  We were cool.

Oh, the blasphemy.

One night I cuddled up next to Amy in bed, I noticed she was playing a game on her Samsung Epic.  It occurred to me that I never inquired as to her gaming catalogue.  I inched closer to my darling to peer over her shoulder.  Perhaps she had discovered a game that I had yet to try?  To my surprise, she had indeed found a new game.  Her finger quietly darted along the smooth surface of the Super AMOLED screen.  I estimated she was using about 1/100th of the Epic’s processing power to play Solitaire.  

I wondered if maybe this encounter was just a coincidence.  I knew Amy was not a big gamer, but she did grow up with video games.  She had to have more games?  She had to have interest in exploiting her phones processing power.  

“I think the computer cheats.  It’s probably the algorithm.”  Amy said as, the following day, I found her bouncing on a yoga ball and playing Solitaire on her phone.  Sacrilege!  How dare she play such a pedestrian game!  It was like driving a Lamborghini the speed limit or playing “Hot Cross Buns” on a Bach Stradivarius Trumpet.  

The next day, while lounging on the couch, she was playing MORE solitaire.  On a $600 smart phone.  Solitaire!  I whipped out my Samsung Epic and showed her the brilliance of all the 3D games I had downloaded.  She shrugged as if it didn’t matter.  She liked solitaire.  She wanted to play solitaire.  Before she goes to bed every night she played solitaire.

Someday I will show her the awesome-ness of her Samsung Epic.  She thinks I’m a loon, but one of these days I will root it.  Oh yes, I will steal her phone and root the shit out of it just to unlock the potential buried deep within its processing power.  Then she will weep for it is sweet and powerful.  Enjoy Solitaire on your precious, unrooted Samsung Epic for now.  One of these days you will wake to find it violated in the most beautiful sense.  Some day, my love, I will show you the power within its data banks.  I will break you free of the Solitaire shackles.  Praise Android, you will bask in the heavenly glow of your Super AMOLED display for it is a miracle of science and human ingenuity.  Praise Android, for it is the one and true open operating system.  Praise Android, for its ever increasing market share.  Praise Android, for it will show you the way to gaming bliss.

Now I must depart to complete my Google shrine.  Heil Google! Seien sie nicht übel!

Trees Hate News 1st Podcast!

Click the link to stream or right-click to save.

- Episode 1 -

Jangle

Early bird special....

Check out # 2....

Soba Nippon

Pizza

Pizza
AKA - 'pisa' 'pony pie' 'wet bread' 'portsa' 'the king's face' 'steamed broccoli'

The worlds most underrated bread/cheese/sauce food mixture ever created.

Brief History of Pizza:
Most people are mistaken to think that the pizza originated in Italy along with spaghetti and meatballs. The truth is, pizza was invented by an Australian explorer, James 'kangaroo belly' Dundee, who the Oscar award winning movie crocodile dundee was loosely based on.
The original name for pizza was koala cake. This lasted from 1293 - 1986, when the pizza was introduced to Italy. Once it arrived, the popularity of the pizza exploded world wide and Italy was credited with inventing the pizza.

Of course, they had their own versions of the pizza which were very unpopular.
A common example of the failed version of the pizza: Using seaweed instead of bread, glass instead of cheese and beach sand instead of sauce. Although these ingredients are delicious on their own, they do not meld together (it's the process in the oven that ruins all the flavor) as well as the current pizza ingredients.

Current state of Pizza (world wide):
Pizza is the most popular food on the planet (earth). I know it sounds like a stretch but, I spoke to 3 people and they all agreed. Frank, Jen and something with a P, they were very drunk at a pizza joint downtown after a night of boozin, but they seemed very knowledged on this subject do to the fact that one dude was all in my face about it (he gave me a hug on the way out so it's all good).

Barack Obama has been quoted as saying "This great nation, full of pizza eaters, has hope." Which proves to me that pizza is a well known food. I haven't been able to get my interview with him yet,but when I do, I only have one question for him:
As president, when you walk into Pizza Hut (or Dominos, or Pappa Johns etc.) do you get free Pizza?
I am assuming he would, I would give him a free slice.
Barack, if you are reading this, I will buy you a slice (only 1) if you sit down for an interview with me. I promise, the interview will be more professional then the one you had with Bill O'reilly.

In conclusion:
There are lessons in life, some are more obvious then others but what I hope people learn from todays post is this:
There is a world out there, you need to grab it by the crust, fold it in half and eat most of it, but leave the crust, unless you are really hungry and only have that one slice.

AV Humor

Matt: k, since you guys are audio guys and you've done audio for conferences and speakers and such, do you all have any recommendations for a long, gooseneck podium microphone? The meditation center I go has forever used a traditional microphone, either on a stand or connected to this giant luxo-style-extend-o-thingy as seen here: http://www.meditateinla.org/center/los-angeles-meditation-teacher/ If you have any suggestions or things that I should look for/be aware of (power?) that would be great.  Hope everybody's doing all right!

Scott: Shure MX412 or MX418

Steve: What senator T says is what u want!

Mateo: The MX412 is good but I hate gooseneck microphones with a passion. They sound bad, they can't handle lows and aren't durable. I would stick with a SM58 on a gooseneck arm.

Scott: An SM58 on a gooseneck looks terrible.

Mateo: No it doesn't. Aren't microphones about sound, not looks? What are you, a client? BURN!

Scott: In hospitality AV it's all about looks. That's why I shave my scrotum every morning. Gotta get my tips!

Mateo: Well Matt has to decide if he wants a nice looking scrotum or nice sounding scrotum. Hope we helped Matt!

Matt: shave s-c-r-o-t-u-m. check! i don't think the sound quality will be too problematic for what we use it for, it's a small room that can only seat 100 people tops, it's just to give the teacher a little boost since meditation teachings are fairly soft-spoken. thanks for the recommendations!

Motivated and Scrambled Eggs

On Valentine’s Day I had to technical direct a women’s breakfast that a company hosted to inspire and thank the female employees for their contributions to the bottom line. Below are some choice quotes from the spiritual/time management/motivational expert taken completely out of context.

“You have to take all the opportunities that the Holy Spirit gives you.”
“You have to give yourself to yourself before you give yourself away.”
“Science doesn’t explain life.”
“Moisturize your body and give yourself a kiss.”

Applause!

Axesome!

http://i.imgur.com/M52mw.png

Yup...

http://video.mpora.com/watch/HI983joLE/

ouch

video here

Vocabularic Revolution part 1

I have had enough of the English language! Since I can't (by court order) learn another language, I must improve the way people speak on a daily basis.

For the past 3000 years, Americans have had all the freedom in the world to create this language from scratch. Starting from when Christopher Columbus landed at plympton rock. He hopped off his jet ski and the English language began instantly. For the most part, words and phrases work out just fine, but recently we have taken a wrong turn. I must, as an American for the past 355 years, help my brothers and sisters with this daily struggle.

Today I will focus on the use of the slang term: raw dog
There is a time and a place to discuss the details of your personal sexual activities and I do not have any problems with this. If you are an adult and the conversation is not taking place in church/temple, the DMV or at grandma's house, go nuts, talk as dirty as you want.
Being that this term has been used as such a descriptive sexual activity, people shy away from using it in any other way. Today that changes! If you are reading this, feel free to take this (print this out if you want) and start using the term in differnet ways that do not include the normal use (I think it means to have sex while your dog is locked out of the bedroom, but I'm not positive).

If you are having problems using the term this new way feel free to review the following samples for your reference:

"Hi Nancy, I see you took the cover off of your couch, it looks great!
Thanks, I figure it was time to raw dog it!"

"Hey Bill, I am glad you decided to stop wearing that toupee.
Yea, the doctor said I should raw dog my head to give it some air, now I think it looks better when I raw dog it."

"Jim, Would you like a piece of raw dog?
No thanks, I like raw cat."

"dude, I picked up a hooker and boned her last night.
Did you wear a condom or did you decide not to wear one?
Sir, I would hope you do not ask these personal questions about the woman I love.
Whoa, sorry, I thought you said she was a hooker.
I did, but after we had unprotected sex, she really opened up to me, raw dog, and we fell in love.
We are getting married!
Oh, congrats!! When is the wedding?
I think it will be a summer wedding, but we are keeping it raw dog.
Cool, I will keep my schedule raw dog so I will be available to come to the wedding.
Great! See you in the summer. I'm off to the clinic"

I hope this helps!

Supermarket

I sent my cat to the supermarket to pick up milk, bread and toilet paper.
I gave him a $20 and a note saying what I wanted.

Somehow, he returned with milk, bread, toilet paper and a half a pound of New England virgin salmon.
He's such a fucking asshole.

Awesome Tesla Battle

Dancing atop a Tesla coil - Dancers generate lighting (video)

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A Letter to Heifer International

Dear Heifer International,

First, I would like to express my genuine appreciation for the organization's efforts to erradicate the evil plight of poverty that has struck so much of the world.  I am a supporter of your efforts and hope success in all future endeavors.  

I am writing to petition for the inclusion of the box turtle in your gift catalogue.  Before you misinterpret this as a shameless attempt to promote one of the most versatile reptiles on planet earth, I would appreciate it if you hear my logical argument for their usefulness as a commodity that could one day pull a needy family out of poverty.

The facts speak for themselves.  Box turtles live very long lives.  In some cases, they have been known to live 40 years, which means the adopting family would have a loyal pet for life.  Box turtles are omnivores.  Feeding them is as easy as dumping the dinner leftovers into their bowl.  They will literally eat anything!  Most importantly, they have the most adorable shells, and they taste delicious as a soup.

It is true that breeding them can prove difficult; however, the benefits of limited success out way the negative.  Imagine being the only family in all of Tanzania with a box turtle.  Upon receiving the gift, they would have immediately cornered the box turtle market.  Believe me; that is huge!  Box turtle soup: that’s some good eatin’!

Kids love box turtles!  We could ship each set of turtles with colored bandannas, a bow staff, katana blade, sai blades, and nunchakus.  Boom! You’ve just expanded “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” into an entire country of eager, young minds.  Can someone say, royalties?

“Gee, Abasi, what did you get from Heifer International?”

“I got bees.  What did you get, Ijumaa?”

“I got a Ninja Turtle!”

“Cool!”

The future success of Heifer International rests close to my heart.  I believe that we can build on a solid foundation with new and bold ideas for expansion.  Ninja box turtles are the perfect update to a “dated” gift catalogue.  Honestly, how many bees does one village really need?  Think about the future.  Think about Box Turtles.

Sincerely,
Lenny
Crazy Lenny’s Box Turtle Emporium
Vienna, MD

transcript from a drunk night

I went out for drinks with Mateo and Scott and drank too much. The following is part of a text message chain between my wife and I on my way home:

Wife: 9:59pm - Leavin #&@*^. You havin fun?
Me: leavin now
Me: Where are you?
Wife: Hey, Its 10:30 and Im leaving $&#&#*, just dropped off &^#$^and im getting on N, Q train, XO
Me:what?
Me: why,
Me: U do dat?
Me: Don't
Me: What are you doing?
Me: What's yer problem?
Me: What time is it?
Me: Where's the beef?
Me: I'm cold
Me: Pointy is a cat
Me: with whiskers
Me: on his fizace
Wife:(10:56) At Bway in QNS, Oh God your texts are rolling in. :)

clap clap clap

Clap, Clap, Clap
That's the sound I hear
before I start to rap
It's heard from
ear to ear
nose to nose
It sounds so good, I think I'll take a nap

On the other hand,
I'll rap,
for the people
on the stairs
take the coffee out yo hands
before I rip out your pubic hairs

Pubic or Public that needs to be clear
as I kick the dirty rhymes
that you need not fear

Hand to hand claps bring the sound I need
Wash my spleen, Kermit is green, sniff coke with Sheen
Show up to my concert and you are an instant fiend.

To Be continued... ... ...

Invisibility! In your face! Or is it?

Scientists announced yesterday a quantum leap forward in the field of "invisibility cloak" technology.  Using artificial composite structures known as metamaterials, scientists now have the ability to theoretically create an invisibility cloak of limitless size.  The drawback is that the metamaterial is extremely difficult to produce.  Also, the invisible properties are dependent on a specific polarization of light.  Nonetheless, yesterday's revelations present significant advancement. 

I am excited by the possibilities.  The implications are great and the applications are numerous.  A functioning invisibility cloak would effect our society in ways only imagined in "Star Trek" and "Harry Potter."  This is a fact: invisibility cloaks will unite our society in the most profound manner.  No longer will teenage boys use "Carrie" as their only point of reference for the goings-on of the girl's locker room.  We could pass them out to the homeless for "warmth."  Property values will skyrocket after we "tepee" our penitentiaries under their comforting embrace.  With invisibility cloaks, we can weave a clear path for the future success of humanity.

The Woz!

Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple, appeared on the Engadget Show Sunday night.  Apparently he's been printing his own money for 20 years!  Check out the clip at 35:04 during the interview.  They actually bring out the illegal tender.

Science & Technology: Breasts

A source from the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons is reporting a sharp increase in elective breast augmentation surgery among British women.  The source has attributed this occurrence to the popularization of the hour-glass figure.  They site Ms. Christina Hendricks, Madmen star, as the leader of this boob-tacular resurgence.  Click here for the story.  1998 also saw a serious climax of breast augmentations as evidenced by the scientific graph below.

Ode to this ode

Yes, this is the ode
Words do not express...



But I will continue, never the less;

When written words become 'personalized' with quotes, does this mean we can write how ever we want? I believe it does, in order to prove this, I challenge all authors, poets and rap artists to best me in this verse.

"I am the Shit!"


Taken out of context, this would be a vulgar sentence. Being put in the category of a poem with challenges out to all who read this, it is 'acceptable'.

And Yes, If challenged, I have a part 2

Love,
Snapps McGuilikuddy

Indubitably

So it begins.

Vicious Bear Cake

My gaijin geisha made this for our 3yr old's deadly birthday. There is a ninja star buried somewhere in the head.

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Stupid Pacific Time...

I fixed the time stamp, wahoo!  Now if only I could find the "setting" that sets the blog on autopilot.

Posting test

This is the testying test I've ever performed. I pray to the lord it will work.
From my phone.

Androidsaywhat?

This is a review of blogger-droid. If it posts this review it rulez. If not I will cry like little girl.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

The First Post

is a whooper!

Yes sir, comedy.  Will Ferrell.  Witty remark.  Sarcasm. Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer.

SMT